Tuesdays with Talon

It seems like a long time since I've posted anything, and that's not because I haven't written. I write almost every day, but those journals probably won't ever make it outside. I've never been a huge fan of putting my life out on social media, but I do understand the importance of my family and closest friends wanting to know what's going on, so I let you know here; on this electronic little journal we call a blog.

Talon is 4 months and a monster. He's well over 20lb, a solid 8lb heavier than his cousin, Carter, who is the same age. He loves dancing with his mama, eating his toes, slap boxing, and singing to himself. He's laughing pretty much all the time, until he's not, and he turns hangry and Frank the Tank comes out. 

Been hanging out in Georgia for the past 3 months. Not sure if we're going to stay here or head west, maybe to Oregon. Talon and I went on a solo mission out to California so my family could meet him, and I could meet Carter, Stacey's son. They are only 5 days apart. Carter on the left, Talon on the right. 

It seems like a blur, and ages ago that we arrived in Georgia. We left Montana at the end of May and 12 states later, we landed in Georgia. These are some long over due photos of our trip along the way, and why not a poem I wrote while driving through eastern Iowa.

Open land and empty spaces
Small country towns and friendly faces
Over the plains, maybe wildlife unknown
Livestock and crops are all homegrown
Some never left; others just passing through
Old timers tip their hats when they bid someone adieu
Metal silos and water towers
Countless rivers and wild flowers
No billboards here, only American flags
You won't find "Gucci" on any clothing tags
Always a "yes, ma'am" when they serve your plates
Welcome to the midwest of the United States.
_______________________________________

Montana

Wyoming

Stages of Talon's road trip....

 Howling practice

Georgia

I have to admit, I'm still in shock over the fact I have a son. Being a mother was something I always wanted, and at some point, told myself I didn't want it. It was during that time when I found out I was pregnant, and I was in a whirlwind of emotions, but my God. It happened and I'm a mother.

Every day brings its own set of surprises, smiles, blowouts, snuggles, habits, meltdowns and milestones. Every day, I wake up and choose this tiny little butterball of a human. Every day, I get to look at this child, and find myself somewhere in his eyes. The best part is, he looks right back at me. And as Morrie Schwartz always believed, the purpose of life is to love and be loved. I might wander around a bit geographically, but I'll always find myself right here. 

"Let yourself be silently drawn to the strange pull of what you really love." -Rumi

Coffee Cup Time Machine

Let's see. This day, last year,  I was sitting in my office having meltdown. The only reason I know this fun fact, is because Sis got me a 5-year journal last year before I left for Alaska. In my 5 lined entry, I wrote something along the lines of "over worked, exhausted, having a meltdown." I didn't need to write much to remember that night. It was like a movie scene with two people sitting there having coffee, talking about the past, looking up, the screen goes blurry for a moment, and boom - they are back in time.

It was 11pm and the sun was still bright as day. I was sitting at my desk, one hand holding up my head, the other holding a glass of red wine. I had just finished skyping with my sister, filling her ears with all my problems, because you know, my life was so much rougher than hers. I was living in Alaska, hiking into glaciers, running a white water rafting operation, and she was at home, running a household with two children who didn't want to go to bed. Hm.

There's this part of me, a big part of me, who always looks back at situations and wonders "what if?" It's a terrible thing really, but it's what I do. So I sit here, present day doing just that, thinking I could have stayed in Alaska, I could have gone to British Columbia to chase a love now lost. I could have gone back to California and started over. And while I've played every scenario of how my life would have ended up in either of those places, the reality was the rafting operation failed and I was forced to make a decision. 

The fate of my decisions brought me to Montana. And I'm done living in Montana. I never actually wanted to live here, but at the time, this was the best option. It's been a good year, I've done some cool stuff, but it's time to go.

So, now I have a family. A non-conventional family, yes - but family nonetheless. Yes, I had a baby. No, I'm not married. No, it wasn't planned.

Now I must make another decision. And the adult thing to do, would be considering my family for the next big adventure, right? So maybe I should move closer to family. Maybe to a neighborhood that offers all the things moms look for - safety, good schools, parks, no child molesters, yada yada. 

ehhhh

I'd rather move back to Alaska, or even Baja where safety is never guaranteed. And why can't I? Live off the land in some remote wilderness, or in a small surf village down south without people telling me how to raise my kid, mandatory vaccinations, and the newest a $10,000 fine for using too much water?! Oh California, your days are over for me. Too many people, concrete jungles, not enough trees, and apparently not enough water. 

The other option is northeast Georgia. Now... I like Georgia. Always have. They have plenty of trees, great rivers, open land, nice people and who doesn't love southern food? I can hike the Appalachian Trail any time I want with Talon on my back swatting off all the sand gnats. And my sweet little man will grow up with a southern accent and manners. 

So do I take Talon to Alaska and continue my quest for open space, bears, and independence? Or do I go to the homey state of Georgia where family and sweet tea are endless? Wherever I end up, I will be happy. And I won't look back at my decision and regret it. Because life doesn't give you the option to rewind. I have to keep turning the pages to the next chapters in life, while always remembering my favorite stories in the pages before. 

The story continues but will have to wait. I have a hungry kid staring at my boobs. And who can say no to this face?

"Wherever you go, there you are." 

Meeting Talon McCrae

The love of my life has arrived and he came out swinging. All 9lb of him. It's not something I can describe, and maybe because I haven't fully realized I'm a mother. I'm a MOTHER for crying out loud. This tiny little human relies on me around the clock to be responsible, to feed him on time, to make sure he doesn't sit around in his shit for too long. Am I doing it right? I don't know. He seems happy though.

He eats his hand like it's a rib when he's hungry
He grunts like Beavis and Butthead when he poops - followed by a smile and a sigh
He has to be touching my face when he sleeps
He gets hungry, yet swats my boob when he finally gets near it

Sometimes, I have to just sit there and stare at him and tell myself repeatedly that I'm a mom. He's my son. It's amazing the way life turns and changes and continues to do so, most the time out of my control. I try to plan everything, and I'm realizing what a joke that is. Did I think I'd be here a year ago? Absolutely not. But here I am, and when those deep blue eyes observe my every move, I'm happy to be where I am. When we both fall asleep with his head on my chest, I feel blessed beyond measure. I'm thankful for the little things I've been given, and this little thing right here is about to rock my world. 

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." -Osho

Be the Duck. And then Go Fishing.

John Tilly, manager of one of the many fine dining restaurants in Orange County. The best boss I ever had. He was the perfect duck; visibly cool, calm, and collected but I imagine he was paddling like crazy underneath.

I'll never forget John's response to frantic food servers and bartenders. You'd think the place was on fire as they spit out their emergency.  Yet, he always just stood there with a soft, reassuring smile and ended every encounter with, "hey, I'm here for YOU." He never lost it, he only reassured.

As I'm entering the life of motherhood, I often wonder if I'll be able to be a good duck. Constantly in demand, give give give, hold it together, don't break down, and if you do - don't let the world see it. How do the John's of the world do it?

Maybe I'll be like Peter from Office Space. Just cruise around with selective hearing, wearing Birkenstocks because I can, often times zoning out from everything around me.

Or maybe I'll just increase my wine intake. Pour it in a coffee cup and hope my kid never figures out my tricks. Unless of course, he's like my 3 year old niece, who watches as I pour my 3rd cup of "coffee" for the afternoon and says with her head cocked to the side, "hey Bebba, can I have some vino too?" Yeah, that's probably not going to work.

And just like that, I've written about absolutely nothing relevant. Writer's block at it's best. It's all about perspective I suppose. I wrote about nothing, but you read it - so who wasted their time really?

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there would be a shortage of fishing poles." -Doug Larson

Montana Livin... in a Yurt Down by the River

A lot has happened since Easter and in short, I left Alaska to live closer to Nonnie and place roots somewhere besides the road. I now live in a yurt in the sticks of Montana where all my neighbors grow what you buy at the farmer's market. "Farm to Market Road" is literally the name of my street. I drive 30 minutes to work down country roads with views of the mountains and wildlife. With visits from a black bear, deer, faun, and millions of mosquitoes, life is good in the mountains (even if I no longer have a view of Mt. McKinley). 

Some photos of life in Montana. 

Gifts of Easter

Being homesick is inevitable at some point when traveling, but moments when my entire family is on a computer screen in front of me make it much easier to deal with, especially on a holiday like Easter when everyone is together. I got to skype with my favorite girls, and it's fun to see Jayme figure out how it works. She still tries to kiss me on the computer screen.

Since we don't have running water, cooking has been pretty challenging. Most of us are eating frozen dinners, and personally, I'm getting tired of Cliff Bars. Carpenter Dave volunteered to cook everyone a big spaghetti dinner on Easter if everyone else would pitch in for the food. We stocked up the day before in Fairbanks and Sunday, we enjoyed a big family dinner followed by the movie, Into the Wild (that part might have been my idea).

Clockwise from the left in the hat: Carpenter Dave, Brian, Nick, Preston, Jessica, Allan, and Matt

After dinner, I went on my nightly walk to my happy place on the deck to journal and take photos of the river melting. It's breaking more and more, and I took the first shot from the deck, and the second from below on the shoreline. In a couple weeks, this will all be moving water.

Later that night, I was in a dead sound sleep when I got a knock on my door at 2am. With my eyes still closed, I stumbled to the door and barely squinted one eye open to see Nick, bright eyed and excited, telling me to go outside and look straight up. The warm, cozy, sleepy part of me wanted to crawl right back into my cocoon of warmth, but I made Nick promise to always wake me up when the lights were out, so I knew I had to go outside.

The first time I saw the lights, I was almost drawn to tears but the -5 temperature forced me to hold back out of fear they would freeze. This night, however, I couldn't help it. My eyes got blurry and I knew tears were coming. My sleepy stumble quickly turned into waves of excitement and disbelief. It literally looked like it was raining down. Happy Easter, He is indeed risen. Photo: Nick Harrison.

Ramblings on the Road

A clear day greeted us on our long drive to Fairbanks for our weekly supply of groceries. I was in the back of the van, head on the window, looking at anything and everything as we passed. The co-pilot Dave was starting to doze off, Brian was in the zone, driving with his Monster in hand, both Nick and Matt were in the row behind me on the lookout just like I was.

Then I heard it: "hey look, McKinley is out!"I looked back to my left, and even from a hundred miles away, it was the most prominent mountain in sight. I don't know when I became so emotional, but I almost cried seeing it. I looked back any time I knew there would be an opportunity to see it through trees and ranges. I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't get a photo, just like the first time I saw the northern lights. I couldn't even think to get my camera. I just wanted to look at it.

Coming home, in the same spot and position, with my journal in hand, I wrote down my thoughts and everything I saw. My personal journals never go public, and things like that, in the van, I never really thought about until later that afternoon when Nick approached me in my hammock and asked "hey what were you writing earlier in the van?"

I was journaling at the time, listening to Matt play guitar as I played around writing lyrics. Instead of telling Nick what I wrote, I just handed my journal to him. He read what I wrote in the van, then turned to what I just wrote while in my hammock. He asked why I never put it on Facebook or share it with people. I told him he sounds like my family. And so I guess to answer him, I don't really know. Maybe it's the feared scrutiny or just the sake of keeping my thoughts private, but whatever the reason, I journal because that's how I process my thoughts, I don't do it for recognition.

But for Nick, if he ever finds this blog, and for my family and closest friends, who I know read it, I'll leave you with my drive to Fairbanks:

Meet me in this place of wild
Find open roads to mountains and rivers.
The air is crisp, the sun is out
Drive for hours in silence.

Nature speaks - though quiet- so loud
Beyond the spruce trees and vast land
There's Mt. McKinley claiming her lot
Proud with beauty, never ceasing.

Jet streaks leave a trace behind
Then leaves the sky to be.
Snow starts melting
Leaves start changing
Showing signs of spring.

The ranges take over the open land
This place is bigger than life.
Valleys of green inviting rivers to flow
The seasons they change over night.

The spirit of Alaska runs wild
for those open to let it take hold.
---------------------------------------------

Photos from the road this weekend (McKinley, Easter, and Northern Lights to come on the next blog)







"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin
"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." - Unknown

Spirit of Alaska | Let it Run Through Your Heart

Everything is still frozen up in Denali National Park and without running water, I've learned to simplify.  Until driving up to Fairbanks yesterday, I'd been living off Cliff Bars, peanut butter sandwiches, and red wine. One of our retail ladies invited everyone up to her house for a bonfire and a proper meal. This is a photo from her front yard overlooking Denali Village. The river behind it, is the frozen Nenana River where I'll be working primarily once it breaks.

Temperatures have varied anywhere from -5 to 35, and I got to see the northern lights for the first time a few nights ago. It was so beautiful, I almost cried, but I held back because I didn't want my tears to freeze. I couldn't even take a photo; I just wanted to take it all in and enjoy it in that moment. One of our maintenance guys, Brian Straus, snapped this shot from behind the village.

Last night, I escaped to my favorite place while it's still without guests. This photo was taken on the deck overhanging above the river. The sun set around 10pm as a near full moon took over the sky. Before the ink in my pen froze, I took time to journal, write letters, read scripture, and enjoy the silence which nature offers without demanding anything in return.

"I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." -John Muir