Alaska Bound with Little Man

We can't seem to stay put anywhere. It's just me and my little man for a few weeks until we start driving to Alaska to meet Rory. Rory and I met in Alaska, and we've always talked about getting back up there, but it never seemed like a reality. I haven't told anyone, including my family, because I don't really believe it's happening until I'm there.

I say that because I was excited for California at one point. We were moving to the sierras, and I even put my notice in at work, nailed down a house and a job but a few days before was Talon's surgery and they wanted $1,250 up front. That killed our move, and kept us here for a bit longer. Then Rory got a job offer in Ketchikan, and they paid for his move up there. Things will work out in their own time. I'm sure I'll see warm weather again some day.

I like Colorado - it's been great living here if you can get past the -40 mornings in the winter. But man, summer has arrived and it is beautiful. I'm ready for sunny and 75, but that will have to wait until shoulder season for an escape to Mex. Southeast Alaska isn't exactly warm and sunny all the time, but I'm excited for something new. 

Talon is 14 months old, getting into EVERYTHING. Some of his most recent endeavors are:

• Collecting and eating rocks
• Driving home from the store on the back roads, moving the steering wheel side to side and yelling at random people
• Eating his first booger and I almost gagged watching it 
• First camping trip and slept like a champ
• Had to be re-circumcised at Rocky Mtn. Children's Hospital, and the worst part was watching him go under anesthesia. I waited to cry until he fell asleep.
• Pacing around the house calling random people on my phone and having conversations for minutes at a time until I realize he's actually talking to someone (it's more like jabber)
• Watching us pray at dinner, and putting his hands together smiling until I'm done
• Playing drums on all the pots
• Wanting to cheers after every sip
• Doing yoga with me (more like laughing at me)
• Walking up to me just to give me a hug, and go on about his business 

So that's the short version. I was watching him sleep this morning and couldn't help but see him as a little boy. He's not a baby anymore. Part of me is excited for him to grow up and go on adventures with me, but there's always that part that wants time to stop.

Here are some recent photos of life here

Quietly enjoying his dairy free brownie while everyone else eats cake :-/ 

Fell asleep "talking" to Grampa

5th winter showed up with 4 feet of snow in late April WTF

Little Drummer Boy

Butterfly Pavilion in Denver

Don't worry mom, I got this

Sorry, were you trying to concentrate?

Rory snuck in this gem. Love sleeping next to T.

1st Full Moon Bonfire Campout. Eerie, CO

Spaghetti at daycare

Pre-Op before he got snipped up

One Down, 17 to Go

40 minutes.

In 40 minutes it will be midnight, which means in 40 minutes,  my sleeping, 364 day old son will wake up and be a toddler.


He's been throwing up all day because I ate cheese (I'm a terrible mother). When you find out your son has a milk allergy, and the doctor tells you no milk for either one of you, part of you dies. And because I wanted to question my doctor's intelligence, I ate cheese just to see what would happen. Happy birthday, son.

I can't really begin to explain the last year of life, but I can say - my life changed from the instant I met him. Maybe I can explain, and this might end up to be a long winded journal which no one will finish reading, but that's okay because I used to write for people, but now it seems I'm writing for myself because I can't remember anything anymore, and this is the only way to guarantee it.

People say a woman becomes a mother the instant she's pregnant, and a man becomes a dad once he holds his child. If I'm being totally honest here, that was NOT the case. Rory was in tears excited over this baby from conception, would sing to him, tell him stories, play old country, and pray over my stomach every night.

I, on the other hand, was terrified and questioned God's plans for my life, cried a lot, and even apologized to my stomach on multiple occasions because I was certain I was unfit for the job.

Then something happened on that final push, when I looked down and saw Dr. Jonas literally fumbling this tiny human because he came out swinging. When she put him on my chest, and he pushed up to look at me, my heart exploded and was filled with a love I don't think any mom can explain until they go through it. All I could say was, "you're perfect."

I was a nanny for 6 years, and a very hands on aunt for 5, but nothing could have prepared me for the rawness of motherhood. It's a constant demand and the demands change. Feed the baby, feed yourself, make sure dad feels loved, don't forget to brush your teeth, what day is it?

He makes me a better person, and maybe it's what I needed. He's coming into his personality which is pretty amazing to see. I can't wait to take him backpacking this summer and show him what it's like to sleep under the stars, catch a fish, and listen to nature. He's a special kid.

Loves:
- Brushing his teeth with mom
- Dancing to any music
- Playing the drums with every pot, pan, and bowl he can pull out
- Being outside, pointing at the moon
- Laughing at me doing downward dog - even he knows I'm terrible at yoga
- Playing with any phone he can get his hands on
- Doing everything dad does

Doesn't love:
- Sleeping alone
- Socks
- Untangling his dreadlocks
- Not being included in something

Can say:
- "Buh-bye Daddy"
- "All done"
- "Mamamamamamamamaaaa"
- "Uh-oh"

Can sign:
- More
- Brush Teeth
- Bath
- All done

Birthday Snuggles

Woke up to 31 yesterday, and smiles from this little guy. I grabbed my camera (aka, my iphone flip) and snapped this before we got up and moving for the day. 

Best birthday gift ever - morning snuggles from the love of my life. 

Tuesdays with Talon

It seems like a long time since I've posted anything, and that's not because I haven't written. I write almost every day, but those journals probably won't ever make it outside. I've never been a huge fan of putting my life out on social media, but I do understand the importance of my family and closest friends wanting to know what's going on, so I let you know here; on this electronic little journal we call a blog.

Talon is 4 months and a monster. He's well over 20lb, a solid 8lb heavier than his cousin, Carter, who is the same age. He loves dancing with his mama, eating his toes, slap boxing, and singing to himself. He's laughing pretty much all the time, until he's not, and he turns hangry and Frank the Tank comes out. 

Been hanging out in Georgia for the past 3 months. Not sure if we're going to stay here or head west, maybe to Oregon. Talon and I went on a solo mission out to California so my family could meet him, and I could meet Carter, Stacey's son. They are only 5 days apart. Carter on the left, Talon on the right. 

It seems like a blur, and ages ago that we arrived in Georgia. We left Montana at the end of May and 12 states later, we landed in Georgia. These are some long over due photos of our trip along the way, and why not a poem I wrote while driving through eastern Iowa.

Open land and empty spaces
Small country towns and friendly faces
Over the plains, maybe wildlife unknown
Livestock and crops are all homegrown
Some never left; others just passing through
Old timers tip their hats when they bid someone adieu
Metal silos and water towers
Countless rivers and wild flowers
No billboards here, only American flags
You won't find "Gucci" on any clothing tags
Always a "yes, ma'am" when they serve your plates
Welcome to the midwest of the United States.
_______________________________________

Montana

Wyoming

Stages of Talon's road trip....

 Howling practice

Georgia

I have to admit, I'm still in shock over the fact I have a son. Being a mother was something I always wanted, and at some point, told myself I didn't want it. It was during that time when I found out I was pregnant, and I was in a whirlwind of emotions, but my God. It happened and I'm a mother.

Every day brings its own set of surprises, smiles, blowouts, snuggles, habits, meltdowns and milestones. Every day, I wake up and choose this tiny little butterball of a human. Every day, I get to look at this child, and find myself somewhere in his eyes. The best part is, he looks right back at me. And as Morrie Schwartz always believed, the purpose of life is to love and be loved. I might wander around a bit geographically, but I'll always find myself right here. 

"Let yourself be silently drawn to the strange pull of what you really love." -Rumi

Coffee Cup Time Machine

Let's see. This day, last year,  I was sitting in my office having meltdown. The only reason I know this fun fact, is because Sis got me a 5-year journal last year before I left for Alaska. In my 5 lined entry, I wrote something along the lines of "over worked, exhausted, having a meltdown." I didn't need to write much to remember that night. It was like a movie scene with two people sitting there having coffee, talking about the past, looking up, the screen goes blurry for a moment, and boom - they are back in time.

It was 11pm and the sun was still bright as day. I was sitting at my desk, one hand holding up my head, the other holding a glass of red wine. I had just finished skyping with my sister, filling her ears with all my problems, because you know, my life was so much rougher than hers. I was living in Alaska, hiking into glaciers, running a white water rafting operation, and she was at home, running a household with two children who didn't want to go to bed. Hm.

There's this part of me, a big part of me, who always looks back at situations and wonders "what if?" It's a terrible thing really, but it's what I do. So I sit here, present day doing just that, thinking I could have stayed in Alaska, I could have gone to British Columbia to chase a love now lost. I could have gone back to California and started over. And while I've played every scenario of how my life would have ended up in either of those places, the reality was the rafting operation failed and I was forced to make a decision. 

The fate of my decisions brought me to Montana. And I'm done living in Montana. I never actually wanted to live here, but at the time, this was the best option. It's been a good year, I've done some cool stuff, but it's time to go.

So, now I have a family. A non-conventional family, yes - but family nonetheless. Yes, I had a baby. No, I'm not married. No, it wasn't planned.

Now I must make another decision. And the adult thing to do, would be considering my family for the next big adventure, right? So maybe I should move closer to family. Maybe to a neighborhood that offers all the things moms look for - safety, good schools, parks, no child molesters, yada yada. 

ehhhh

I'd rather move back to Alaska, or even Baja where safety is never guaranteed. And why can't I? Live off the land in some remote wilderness, or in a small surf village down south without people telling me how to raise my kid, mandatory vaccinations, and the newest a $10,000 fine for using too much water?! Oh California, your days are over for me. Too many people, concrete jungles, not enough trees, and apparently not enough water. 

The other option is northeast Georgia. Now... I like Georgia. Always have. They have plenty of trees, great rivers, open land, nice people and who doesn't love southern food? I can hike the Appalachian Trail any time I want with Talon on my back swatting off all the sand gnats. And my sweet little man will grow up with a southern accent and manners. 

So do I take Talon to Alaska and continue my quest for open space, bears, and independence? Or do I go to the homey state of Georgia where family and sweet tea are endless? Wherever I end up, I will be happy. And I won't look back at my decision and regret it. Because life doesn't give you the option to rewind. I have to keep turning the pages to the next chapters in life, while always remembering my favorite stories in the pages before. 

The story continues but will have to wait. I have a hungry kid staring at my boobs. And who can say no to this face?

"Wherever you go, there you are."