One Down, 17 to Go

40 minutes.

In 40 minutes it will be midnight, which means in 40 minutes,  my sleeping, 364 day old son will wake up and be a toddler.


He's been throwing up all day because I ate cheese (I'm a terrible mother). When you find out your son has a milk allergy, and the doctor tells you no milk for either one of you, part of you dies. And because I wanted to question my doctor's intelligence, I ate cheese just to see what would happen. Happy birthday, son.

I can't really begin to explain the last year of life, but I can say - my life changed from the instant I met him. Maybe I can explain, and this might end up to be a long winded journal which no one will finish reading, but that's okay because I used to write for people, but now it seems I'm writing for myself because I can't remember anything anymore, and this is the only way to guarantee it.

People say a woman becomes a mother the instant she's pregnant, and a man becomes a dad once he holds his child. If I'm being totally honest here, that was NOT the case. Rory was in tears excited over this baby from conception, would sing to him, tell him stories, play old country, and pray over my stomach every night.

I, on the other hand, was terrified and questioned God's plans for my life, cried a lot, and even apologized to my stomach on multiple occasions because I was certain I was unfit for the job.

Then something happened on that final push, when I looked down and saw Dr. Jonas literally fumbling this tiny human because he came out swinging. When she put him on my chest, and he pushed up to look at me, my heart exploded and was filled with a love I don't think any mom can explain until they go through it. All I could say was, "you're perfect."

I was a nanny for 6 years, and a very hands on aunt for 5, but nothing could have prepared me for the rawness of motherhood. It's a constant demand and the demands change. Feed the baby, feed yourself, make sure dad feels loved, don't forget to brush your teeth, what day is it?

He makes me a better person, and maybe it's what I needed. He's coming into his personality which is pretty amazing to see. I can't wait to take him backpacking this summer and show him what it's like to sleep under the stars, catch a fish, and listen to nature. He's a special kid.

Loves:
- Brushing his teeth with mom
- Dancing to any music
- Playing the drums with every pot, pan, and bowl he can pull out
- Being outside, pointing at the moon
- Laughing at me doing downward dog - even he knows I'm terrible at yoga
- Playing with any phone he can get his hands on
- Doing everything dad does

Doesn't love:
- Sleeping alone
- Socks
- Untangling his dreadlocks
- Not being included in something

Can say:
- "Buh-bye Daddy"
- "All done"
- "Mamamamamamamamaaaa"
- "Uh-oh"

Can sign:
- More
- Brush Teeth
- Bath
- All done

Tuesdays with Talon

It seems like a long time since I've posted anything, and that's not because I haven't written. I write almost every day, but those journals probably won't ever make it outside. I've never been a huge fan of putting my life out on social media, but I do understand the importance of my family and closest friends wanting to know what's going on, so I let you know here; on this electronic little journal we call a blog.

Talon is 4 months and a monster. He's well over 20lb, a solid 8lb heavier than his cousin, Carter, who is the same age. He loves dancing with his mama, eating his toes, slap boxing, and singing to himself. He's laughing pretty much all the time, until he's not, and he turns hangry and Frank the Tank comes out. 

Been hanging out in Georgia for the past 3 months. Not sure if we're going to stay here or head west, maybe to Oregon. Talon and I went on a solo mission out to California so my family could meet him, and I could meet Carter, Stacey's son. They are only 5 days apart. Carter on the left, Talon on the right. 

It seems like a blur, and ages ago that we arrived in Georgia. We left Montana at the end of May and 12 states later, we landed in Georgia. These are some long over due photos of our trip along the way, and why not a poem I wrote while driving through eastern Iowa.

Open land and empty spaces
Small country towns and friendly faces
Over the plains, maybe wildlife unknown
Livestock and crops are all homegrown
Some never left; others just passing through
Old timers tip their hats when they bid someone adieu
Metal silos and water towers
Countless rivers and wild flowers
No billboards here, only American flags
You won't find "Gucci" on any clothing tags
Always a "yes, ma'am" when they serve your plates
Welcome to the midwest of the United States.
_______________________________________

Montana

Wyoming

Stages of Talon's road trip....

 Howling practice

Georgia

I have to admit, I'm still in shock over the fact I have a son. Being a mother was something I always wanted, and at some point, told myself I didn't want it. It was during that time when I found out I was pregnant, and I was in a whirlwind of emotions, but my God. It happened and I'm a mother.

Every day brings its own set of surprises, smiles, blowouts, snuggles, habits, meltdowns and milestones. Every day, I wake up and choose this tiny little butterball of a human. Every day, I get to look at this child, and find myself somewhere in his eyes. The best part is, he looks right back at me. And as Morrie Schwartz always believed, the purpose of life is to love and be loved. I might wander around a bit geographically, but I'll always find myself right here. 

"Let yourself be silently drawn to the strange pull of what you really love." -Rumi

Gifts of Easter

Being homesick is inevitable at some point when traveling, but moments when my entire family is on a computer screen in front of me make it much easier to deal with, especially on a holiday like Easter when everyone is together. I got to skype with my favorite girls, and it's fun to see Jayme figure out how it works. She still tries to kiss me on the computer screen.

Since we don't have running water, cooking has been pretty challenging. Most of us are eating frozen dinners, and personally, I'm getting tired of Cliff Bars. Carpenter Dave volunteered to cook everyone a big spaghetti dinner on Easter if everyone else would pitch in for the food. We stocked up the day before in Fairbanks and Sunday, we enjoyed a big family dinner followed by the movie, Into the Wild (that part might have been my idea).

Clockwise from the left in the hat: Carpenter Dave, Brian, Nick, Preston, Jessica, Allan, and Matt

After dinner, I went on my nightly walk to my happy place on the deck to journal and take photos of the river melting. It's breaking more and more, and I took the first shot from the deck, and the second from below on the shoreline. In a couple weeks, this will all be moving water.

Later that night, I was in a dead sound sleep when I got a knock on my door at 2am. With my eyes still closed, I stumbled to the door and barely squinted one eye open to see Nick, bright eyed and excited, telling me to go outside and look straight up. The warm, cozy, sleepy part of me wanted to crawl right back into my cocoon of warmth, but I made Nick promise to always wake me up when the lights were out, so I knew I had to go outside.

The first time I saw the lights, I was almost drawn to tears but the -5 temperature forced me to hold back out of fear they would freeze. This night, however, I couldn't help it. My eyes got blurry and I knew tears were coming. My sleepy stumble quickly turned into waves of excitement and disbelief. It literally looked like it was raining down. Happy Easter, He is indeed risen. Photo: Nick Harrison.

Ramblings on the Road

A clear day greeted us on our long drive to Fairbanks for our weekly supply of groceries. I was in the back of the van, head on the window, looking at anything and everything as we passed. The co-pilot Dave was starting to doze off, Brian was in the zone, driving with his Monster in hand, both Nick and Matt were in the row behind me on the lookout just like I was.

Then I heard it: "hey look, McKinley is out!"I looked back to my left, and even from a hundred miles away, it was the most prominent mountain in sight. I don't know when I became so emotional, but I almost cried seeing it. I looked back any time I knew there would be an opportunity to see it through trees and ranges. I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't get a photo, just like the first time I saw the northern lights. I couldn't even think to get my camera. I just wanted to look at it.

Coming home, in the same spot and position, with my journal in hand, I wrote down my thoughts and everything I saw. My personal journals never go public, and things like that, in the van, I never really thought about until later that afternoon when Nick approached me in my hammock and asked "hey what were you writing earlier in the van?"

I was journaling at the time, listening to Matt play guitar as I played around writing lyrics. Instead of telling Nick what I wrote, I just handed my journal to him. He read what I wrote in the van, then turned to what I just wrote while in my hammock. He asked why I never put it on Facebook or share it with people. I told him he sounds like my family. And so I guess to answer him, I don't really know. Maybe it's the feared scrutiny or just the sake of keeping my thoughts private, but whatever the reason, I journal because that's how I process my thoughts, I don't do it for recognition.

But for Nick, if he ever finds this blog, and for my family and closest friends, who I know read it, I'll leave you with my drive to Fairbanks:

Meet me in this place of wild
Find open roads to mountains and rivers.
The air is crisp, the sun is out
Drive for hours in silence.

Nature speaks - though quiet- so loud
Beyond the spruce trees and vast land
There's Mt. McKinley claiming her lot
Proud with beauty, never ceasing.

Jet streaks leave a trace behind
Then leaves the sky to be.
Snow starts melting
Leaves start changing
Showing signs of spring.

The ranges take over the open land
This place is bigger than life.
Valleys of green inviting rivers to flow
The seasons they change over night.

The spirit of Alaska runs wild
for those open to let it take hold.
---------------------------------------------

Photos from the road this weekend (McKinley, Easter, and Northern Lights to come on the next blog)







"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin
"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." - Unknown

To the Narrows || Road Trip to Zion

On the road again and what a beautiful weekend. Seaneth had his first race this weekend so Stace and I packed up the truck and headed to Utah. Unbeknownst to us, Zion was hosting a half marathon so  while everyone else was running on asphalt, we hiked the most popular hike in the park with no one around.

Besides being super sick, it was a great success. The water in the Narrows was in the upper 30's to low 40's so with the help of Mike at Zion Mountain School, we got some neoprene socks to keep our toes from falling off. They are a great store to rent gear from. They're prices are fair and Mike was very helpful (and had an awesome mustache).

Highlights of the trip (which maybe only Stacey will understand) include but are not limited to:

- Giving Stacey and Sean's first daughter the best name ever (please have a daughter).
- Teaching Stacey the difference between a trailer and container
- Laughing at the blurp in time when I had a "real" job in transportation
- Noticing how some mountains resembled scallop potatoes
- Being educated about Rockville's population of 247. Used to be 249 but we don't like to talk about it.

Scallop Potato Mountains 

"In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous." -Aristotle