Meeting Talon McCrae

The love of my life has arrived and he came out swinging. All 9lb of him. It's not something I can describe, and maybe because I haven't fully realized I'm a mother. I'm a MOTHER for crying out loud. This tiny little human relies on me around the clock to be responsible, to feed him on time, to make sure he doesn't sit around in his shit for too long. Am I doing it right? I don't know. He seems happy though.

He eats his hand like it's a rib when he's hungry
He grunts like Beavis and Butthead when he poops - followed by a smile and a sigh
He has to be touching my face when he sleeps
He gets hungry, yet swats my boob when he finally gets near it

Sometimes, I have to just sit there and stare at him and tell myself repeatedly that I'm a mom. He's my son. It's amazing the way life turns and changes and continues to do so, most the time out of my control. I try to plan everything, and I'm realizing what a joke that is. Did I think I'd be here a year ago? Absolutely not. But here I am, and when those deep blue eyes observe my every move, I'm happy to be where I am. When we both fall asleep with his head on my chest, I feel blessed beyond measure. I'm thankful for the little things I've been given, and this little thing right here is about to rock my world. 

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." -Osho

Be the Duck. And then Go Fishing.

John Tilly, manager of one of the many fine dining restaurants in Orange County. The best boss I ever had. He was the perfect duck; visibly cool, calm, and collected but I imagine he was paddling like crazy underneath.

I'll never forget John's response to frantic food servers and bartenders. You'd think the place was on fire as they spit out their emergency.  Yet, he always just stood there with a soft, reassuring smile and ended every encounter with, "hey, I'm here for YOU." He never lost it, he only reassured.

As I'm entering the life of motherhood, I often wonder if I'll be able to be a good duck. Constantly in demand, give give give, hold it together, don't break down, and if you do - don't let the world see it. How do the John's of the world do it?

Maybe I'll be like Peter from Office Space. Just cruise around with selective hearing, wearing Birkenstocks because I can, often times zoning out from everything around me.

Or maybe I'll just increase my wine intake. Pour it in a coffee cup and hope my kid never figures out my tricks. Unless of course, he's like my 3 year old niece, who watches as I pour my 3rd cup of "coffee" for the afternoon and says with her head cocked to the side, "hey Bebba, can I have some vino too?" Yeah, that's probably not going to work.

And just like that, I've written about absolutely nothing relevant. Writer's block at it's best. It's all about perspective I suppose. I wrote about nothing, but you read it - so who wasted their time really?

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there would be a shortage of fishing poles." -Doug Larson

Montana Livin... in a Yurt Down by the River

A lot has happened since Easter and in short, I left Alaska to live closer to Nonnie and place roots somewhere besides the road. I now live in a yurt in the sticks of Montana where all my neighbors grow what you buy at the farmer's market. "Farm to Market Road" is literally the name of my street. I drive 30 minutes to work down country roads with views of the mountains and wildlife. With visits from a black bear, deer, faun, and millions of mosquitoes, life is good in the mountains (even if I no longer have a view of Mt. McKinley). 

Some photos of life in Montana. 

Gifts of Easter

Being homesick is inevitable at some point when traveling, but moments when my entire family is on a computer screen in front of me make it much easier to deal with, especially on a holiday like Easter when everyone is together. I got to skype with my favorite girls, and it's fun to see Jayme figure out how it works. She still tries to kiss me on the computer screen.

Since we don't have running water, cooking has been pretty challenging. Most of us are eating frozen dinners, and personally, I'm getting tired of Cliff Bars. Carpenter Dave volunteered to cook everyone a big spaghetti dinner on Easter if everyone else would pitch in for the food. We stocked up the day before in Fairbanks and Sunday, we enjoyed a big family dinner followed by the movie, Into the Wild (that part might have been my idea).

Clockwise from the left in the hat: Carpenter Dave, Brian, Nick, Preston, Jessica, Allan, and Matt

After dinner, I went on my nightly walk to my happy place on the deck to journal and take photos of the river melting. It's breaking more and more, and I took the first shot from the deck, and the second from below on the shoreline. In a couple weeks, this will all be moving water.

Later that night, I was in a dead sound sleep when I got a knock on my door at 2am. With my eyes still closed, I stumbled to the door and barely squinted one eye open to see Nick, bright eyed and excited, telling me to go outside and look straight up. The warm, cozy, sleepy part of me wanted to crawl right back into my cocoon of warmth, but I made Nick promise to always wake me up when the lights were out, so I knew I had to go outside.

The first time I saw the lights, I was almost drawn to tears but the -5 temperature forced me to hold back out of fear they would freeze. This night, however, I couldn't help it. My eyes got blurry and I knew tears were coming. My sleepy stumble quickly turned into waves of excitement and disbelief. It literally looked like it was raining down. Happy Easter, He is indeed risen. Photo: Nick Harrison.

Ramblings on the Road

A clear day greeted us on our long drive to Fairbanks for our weekly supply of groceries. I was in the back of the van, head on the window, looking at anything and everything as we passed. The co-pilot Dave was starting to doze off, Brian was in the zone, driving with his Monster in hand, both Nick and Matt were in the row behind me on the lookout just like I was.

Then I heard it: "hey look, McKinley is out!"I looked back to my left, and even from a hundred miles away, it was the most prominent mountain in sight. I don't know when I became so emotional, but I almost cried seeing it. I looked back any time I knew there would be an opportunity to see it through trees and ranges. I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't get a photo, just like the first time I saw the northern lights. I couldn't even think to get my camera. I just wanted to look at it.

Coming home, in the same spot and position, with my journal in hand, I wrote down my thoughts and everything I saw. My personal journals never go public, and things like that, in the van, I never really thought about until later that afternoon when Nick approached me in my hammock and asked "hey what were you writing earlier in the van?"

I was journaling at the time, listening to Matt play guitar as I played around writing lyrics. Instead of telling Nick what I wrote, I just handed my journal to him. He read what I wrote in the van, then turned to what I just wrote while in my hammock. He asked why I never put it on Facebook or share it with people. I told him he sounds like my family. And so I guess to answer him, I don't really know. Maybe it's the feared scrutiny or just the sake of keeping my thoughts private, but whatever the reason, I journal because that's how I process my thoughts, I don't do it for recognition.

But for Nick, if he ever finds this blog, and for my family and closest friends, who I know read it, I'll leave you with my drive to Fairbanks:

Meet me in this place of wild
Find open roads to mountains and rivers.
The air is crisp, the sun is out
Drive for hours in silence.

Nature speaks - though quiet- so loud
Beyond the spruce trees and vast land
There's Mt. McKinley claiming her lot
Proud with beauty, never ceasing.

Jet streaks leave a trace behind
Then leaves the sky to be.
Snow starts melting
Leaves start changing
Showing signs of spring.

The ranges take over the open land
This place is bigger than life.
Valleys of green inviting rivers to flow
The seasons they change over night.

The spirit of Alaska runs wild
for those open to let it take hold.
---------------------------------------------

Photos from the road this weekend (McKinley, Easter, and Northern Lights to come on the next blog)







"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin
"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." - Unknown

Spirit of Alaska | Let it Run Through Your Heart

Everything is still frozen up in Denali National Park and without running water, I've learned to simplify.  Until driving up to Fairbanks yesterday, I'd been living off Cliff Bars, peanut butter sandwiches, and red wine. One of our retail ladies invited everyone up to her house for a bonfire and a proper meal. This is a photo from her front yard overlooking Denali Village. The river behind it, is the frozen Nenana River where I'll be working primarily once it breaks.

Temperatures have varied anywhere from -5 to 35, and I got to see the northern lights for the first time a few nights ago. It was so beautiful, I almost cried, but I held back because I didn't want my tears to freeze. I couldn't even take a photo; I just wanted to take it all in and enjoy it in that moment. One of our maintenance guys, Brian Straus, snapped this shot from behind the village.

Last night, I escaped to my favorite place while it's still without guests. This photo was taken on the deck overhanging above the river. The sun set around 10pm as a near full moon took over the sky. Before the ink in my pen froze, I took time to journal, write letters, read scripture, and enjoy the silence which nature offers without demanding anything in return.

"I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." -John Muir

Life in Alaska

"You can kiss your friends and family goodbye, and put miles between you. But at the same time, you carry them with you in your heart, in your soul, in your stomach. Because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you." -Fredrick Buchner

Last night with the fam. Totally normal. 

Two summers ago, I met Pat down in Mexico. The way he described where he lived in Alaska made me want more. I made it a personal goal to visit but never did I think I would be working and living here. Flying over the lights of Anchorage Friday night, I knew I belonged in Alaska. I can't explain the feeling I have being here and who's to say for how long, but for now, Denali is home.

One thing I love is how present everyone is. No one is ever on their cell phones, but instead enjoying the scenery and people around them. It's a lifestyle people in the city can't appreciate anymore. Being "connected" has taken over being present and alive.

Saturday morning, a crew of us including Pat, Molly, Kyle, and Vicki (another couple who just moved up here from AZ) went on a hike into Portage Pass which starts in the town of Whittier. Whittier is very... interesting. It's a port town for the Alaska Marine Highway and the population is under 200. All of the city lives in one building and I'm pretty sure weird stuff happens there. Pat and Molly wanted to start us off at the low end and insist we can only go up from there.

The building behind the sign is where the entire town lives

...and this is where they used to live... 

The hike on the other hand was out of this world. Along the path were footprints for a lynx and we searched everywhere to find it but apparently  it didn't want to be found. We were consistently in shin to knee deep snow and the sun finally broke through by the time we reached the glacier.

Getting to the glacier, we had to walk across the frozen lake that wasn't so frozen in some spots. Molly reminded me that Pat, being on Alaska's Search and Rescue Team, has a higher tolerance of sketchiness than most. Regardless, he tested the depth, gave his approval, and we went for it.

Kyle, Pat, Molly, Me 

Once we got to the glacier, I realized then just how small I was. Looking at my surroundings, I couldn't help but wonder about everything else around me. What was behind that glacier, and behind that even? It seemed as if we covered so much ground and saw such a huge piece of earth, yet when I looked at the topo map back at the house, we covered nothing. Alaska is huge, and so much of it has yet to be explored.

On the plane I watched, "Secret Life of Walter Mitty." I loved the quote and motto of LIFE Magazine that was consistent throughout the movie. I hope to live out their motto while living here in what I consider God's country.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life." -LIFE Magazine

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." -Hillsong United

To the Narrows || Road Trip to Zion

On the road again and what a beautiful weekend. Seaneth had his first race this weekend so Stace and I packed up the truck and headed to Utah. Unbeknownst to us, Zion was hosting a half marathon so  while everyone else was running on asphalt, we hiked the most popular hike in the park with no one around.

Besides being super sick, it was a great success. The water in the Narrows was in the upper 30's to low 40's so with the help of Mike at Zion Mountain School, we got some neoprene socks to keep our toes from falling off. They are a great store to rent gear from. They're prices are fair and Mike was very helpful (and had an awesome mustache).

Highlights of the trip (which maybe only Stacey will understand) include but are not limited to:

- Giving Stacey and Sean's first daughter the best name ever (please have a daughter).
- Teaching Stacey the difference between a trailer and container
- Laughing at the blurp in time when I had a "real" job in transportation
- Noticing how some mountains resembled scallop potatoes
- Being educated about Rockville's population of 247. Used to be 249 but we don't like to talk about it.

Scallop Potato Mountains 

"In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous." -Aristotle

The Good Life > American Dream

The American Dream. What is it? Living the good life. What does that mean?

I've lived the high life, making plenty of money, going on weekend getaways, enjoying happy hour three nights a week, going on 10 days of vacation because that's what my "good job" allotted me. All I needed was a sexy husband and two kids, and I was living the dream. Oh, the American Dream, it's what we all strive for.

Except, I don't want the American Dream, I want to live my dream.

I want to live the good life, finding beauty all around me. Seek love, and hold on to it. See the world, and share it with those around me. Let God speak to me through nature. Be drawn to tears in awe of the magnificence we call earth. Breathe in clean mountain air. Sleep outside. Share conversation with a stranger. Invite the world to change me so I can change the world. Do things that make me feel good. Isn't that the good life?

For the next 6 months, Alaska is where I'll be. Welcome to Denali.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23:1-3 

Gaining and Giving

I've been struggling on what to "give up" for lent and found it difficult. I wanted to do something challenging and good for not just my body, but for my mind as well.

This morning, Pastor Eric posted something pretty cool about positive change for lent. Of course! Why wouldn't I add something into my life that makes a lasting change, rather than just giving up a habit for 40 days only to pick it back up again?

I thought about this and remembered Rick Warren's 40-day devotional, "Purpose Driven Life." Ironic with his time frame, and so was 40 days of Jesus fasting in the wilderness, 40 days of Moses at Mt. Sinai, 40 days and nights of Noah on the ark, and 40 years of the Israelites in the desert.

Lent is something any believer ought to consider in a time of reflection of what Jesus did for us. We do this through prayer, fasting, and willingness to love and serve others just as Jesus did while walking this earth.

So, while I'm going to give up drinking for the next 40 days because it's good for my physical health, I'm also going to add a 40-day devotional and daily random act of service for my spiritual health.