Broke, Brown, and Barefoot

Life has been pretty uneventful since September, and I suppose "uneventful" is a relative term so I'll elaborate by saying my every day routine is just that - it's routine and I'm getting extremely anxious to go play. I don't have internet at home so I snuck away for a few hours while Rory is in town visiting and watching Talon. I need to write because I feel like my head is going to explode otherwise.

I have this photo printed and it sits at my desk so I can escape reality every once in awhile to go here. I miss the cold ocean air in the morning, the warm sun in the afternoon, and the salt in my hair. I'm hoping for a week to escape in May or June when I'm home for Lo's wedding. Fingers crossed.

Some of the bigger life happenings right now include Talon's first haircut (I wanted to cry), little sis had baby #2 this month, Talon got bit by a dog, I got a promotion at work, and my mom finally moved to Montana.

Some of the photos to come will speak for themselves, and obviously, the biggest constant in my life is Talon. While I get overwhelmed and inpatient with him, it's all been put into perspective lately that he's a huge blessing in my life, and probably what God knew I needed to keep me grounded and focused.

I've gotten away from writing, and it's a shame really, because I feel writing composes a lot of who I am. It's how I decompress and I've found the more I write, the more calm I feel. This week has tested my patience and my strength as a woman, a mother, and a partner I no longer am. I don't have any idea where this post is going so just hang on.

I've been a single mom since May of this year, and without any family in the area, it's hard to rely on people - especially because my biggest weakness is asking for help. I've been giving, and going, and I always "have it together," but after 6 months, my tank has finally run dry. I go for a run at lunch while I have child care and that's been my only break. Otherwise, the only time to myself is from 5am-7am when Talon is asleep and I have time to drink an entire French Press of café de olla in a dark, quiet kitchen with nothing but the oven light on.

I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining by any means, if anything, this has been a big life lesson for me and time for reflection. I've learned a lot about myself, one of the biggest being my reliance on men to make me happy. I'm taking this time to make myself happy, and be okay in the moments when I'm truly not.

Since I was 16 years old, I've never truly been single. I've gone from one relationship right into the next and it takes a few months into the new relationship before I really appreciate that person and move on from the last. This last round was tough because I never moved on from my previous relationship, and while I can't ever live in the past, it put a lot of things into perspective. Weakness #2 is I over analyze EVERYTHING.

Rory and I met in May of 2015, and within 2 months, I was pregnant with Talon. To be completely real, I had my bags packed and was heading for the Canadian border one day (no exaggeration) before finding out I was pregnant. When I found out, I cried, and then I moved on. I had to. I felt compelled to stay. Now 21 months have passed, I stand firm in the belief I'm not doing Talon any favors by forcing a square peg into a round hole. I don't believe in making something work for the kids. I want Talon to know what love is, and it should be real and not forced. He might be resilient, but he's not dumb.

So here I sit - I'm 32, I'm single (and really happy), I have a child who needs me, and I have to stay strong. Not just for him, but for me too. I've always relied on other people to hold me up, but not this time. I will be strong not just for Talon, but for me. An old friend once told me, "you, and you alone, are in charge of your own happiness." It's such a simple statement, but holds a lot of power. If I'm not who I truly am without the influence of others telling me what I am, I'll never be the best version of myself.

With all that in mind, I'm going to make some big life changes and I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start, and a new way to love myself and my greatest adventure yet - TALON. This kid has really brought happiness to my life, and even more - a purpose. Going down the line of photos, T and I hiked almost every weekend this summer. Outside is his happy place! This year, he wasn't scared of Santa, but more curious. He loves dogs, and the photo below is a photo of a small dog he was loving on at Thanksgiving. The photo of his face cut up was the night after we processed deer meat at a friend's house, and Talon got in the dogs face. This dog was an 11 year old grouch, and much larger. He was done playing, but Talon insisted, and before I could push Talon away, the dog bit his face. A scary moment I don't ever want to relive and luckily, Talon isn't scared of dogs, but he definitely has more respect for their personal space. The irony? Talon bites people if they get in his face. Go figure. The others are randoms, including Christmas Eve at the Winter Park Resort Torchlight Parade when my friend Meaghan and I got too close, and we crashed in the trees and she proceeded to light my neck on fire. I would do it all over again, it was so much fun and I only had to shave parts of my neck instead of my entire head :) Enjoy!

But my full name is Mom Mom Mom Mom.

We've been hiking every weekend, and a few weeks ago we hiked into an abandoned mining town called LuLu City. 200 people occupied it back in the 1800s and it was pretty amazing to see how they lived. Original structures still stood, and Talon enjoyed throwing every rock he could into the river. He loves being outside. On our way back to the car, Talon passed out in typical fashion on my back, and a woman in her late 50's walked past us. She never slowed down, but in passing said, "you're a good mother." I don't think she realized how much I needed to hear those words.

I try my very best, but I don't always feel like I'm doing a good job. I get home from work and don't always want to read him a book. I might not want to teach him to ride his bike. I want to sit on the couch and drink a glass of wine, but I have to remind myself these days of him tugging on my leg wanting to climb up my front side like a rock wall won't last forever. In fact, there will come a time when he won't want me around at all because he'll be too cool for mom. He's the raddest kid you'll ever meet and his hair is out of this world. I can't bring myself to cut it. He's got this one dreadlock on the back of his head and people can say what they want about looking like a girl, or needing a big boy haircut but he's perfect and he can only get away with looking like this while he's young. Plus he has the personality to match.

We went to Ketchikan to visit Rory for 10 days. I didn't end up following him up there for a permanent move. We're making it work for Talon to visit every now and then and hopefully some day we'll end up in the same county. For now, Colorado is home for Talon and me.

Rory took a job as a full time-year round Marina Manager for Salmon Falls Lodge on the north end of the island. From the second Talon and Rory saw eachother, Talon wouldn't let Dad out of his sight. Two peas in a pod. Here are some photos of our trip.

Talon is 17 months old and is loving his daycare. I am really fortunate to have him so close. My office is right next door to the Early Education Center so we go to work and school together, and his new method of getting there is on his bat mobile. Always in motion, always observing, dancing, clapping, doing yoga - but not unless mom's mat is out too.

Talon Rides to School

My dad and Gracie came out for my 32nd birthday and it was nice to have them here. I like showing people where I live. It's a special place in the summer. Winter is on its way and I'm pumped to move in to my new place! It's a house with a wood burning stove and great neighbors from work. It will be a good place for new beginnings. Life is good!