I have this photo printed and it sits at my desk so I can escape reality every once in awhile to go here. I miss the cold ocean air in the morning, the warm sun in the afternoon, and the salt in my hair. I'm hoping for a week to escape in May or June when I'm home for Lo's wedding. Fingers crossed.
Some of the bigger life happenings right now include Talon's first haircut (I wanted to cry), little sis had baby #2 this month, Talon got bit by a dog, I got a promotion at work, and my mom finally moved to Montana.Some of the photos to come will speak for themselves, and obviously, the biggest constant in my life is Talon. While I get overwhelmed and inpatient with him, it's all been put into perspective lately that he's a huge blessing in my life, and probably what God knew I needed to keep me grounded and focused.
I've gotten away from writing, and it's a shame really, because I feel writing composes a lot of who I am. It's how I decompress and I've found the more I write, the more calm I feel. This week has tested my patience and my strength as a woman, a mother, and a partner I no longer am. I don't have any idea where this post is going so just hang on.
I've been a single mom since May of this year, and without any family in the area, it's hard to rely on people - especially because my biggest weakness is asking for help. I've been giving, and going, and I always "have it together," but after 6 months, my tank has finally run dry. I go for a run at lunch while I have child care and that's been my only break. Otherwise, the only time to myself is from 5am-7am when Talon is asleep and I have time to drink an entire French Press of café de olla in a dark, quiet kitchen with nothing but the oven light on.
I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining by any means, if anything, this has been a big life lesson for me and time for reflection. I've learned a lot about myself, one of the biggest being my reliance on men to make me happy. I'm taking this time to make myself happy, and be okay in the moments when I'm truly not.
Since I was 16 years old, I've never truly been single. I've gone from one relationship right into the next and it takes a few months into the new relationship before I really appreciate that person and move on from the last. This last round was tough because I never moved on from my previous relationship, and while I can't ever live in the past, it put a lot of things into perspective. Weakness #2 is I over analyze EVERYTHING.
Rory and I met in May of 2015, and within 2 months, I was pregnant with Talon. To be completely real, I had my bags packed and was heading for the Canadian border one day (no exaggeration) before finding out I was pregnant. When I found out, I cried, and then I moved on. I had to. I felt compelled to stay. Now 21 months have passed, I stand firm in the belief I'm not doing Talon any favors by forcing a square peg into a round hole. I don't believe in making something work for the kids. I want Talon to know what love is, and it should be real and not forced. He might be resilient, but he's not dumb.
So here I sit - I'm 32, I'm single (and really happy), I have a child who needs me, and I have to stay strong. Not just for him, but for me too. I've always relied on other people to hold me up, but not this time. I will be strong not just for Talon, but for me. An old friend once told me, "you, and you alone, are in charge of your own happiness." It's such a simple statement, but holds a lot of power. If I'm not who I truly am without the influence of others telling me what I am, I'll never be the best version of myself.
With all that in mind, I'm going to make some big life changes and I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start, and a new way to love myself and my greatest adventure yet - TALON. This kid has really brought happiness to my life, and even more - a purpose. Going down the line of photos, T and I hiked almost every weekend this summer. Outside is his happy place! This year, he wasn't scared of Santa, but more curious. He loves dogs, and the photo below is a photo of a small dog he was loving on at Thanksgiving. The photo of his face cut up was the night after we processed deer meat at a friend's house, and Talon got in the dogs face. This dog was an 11 year old grouch, and much larger. He was done playing, but Talon insisted, and before I could push Talon away, the dog bit his face. A scary moment I don't ever want to relive and luckily, Talon isn't scared of dogs, but he definitely has more respect for their personal space. The irony? Talon bites people if they get in his face. Go figure. The others are randoms, including Christmas Eve at the Winter Park Resort Torchlight Parade when my friend Meaghan and I got too close, and we crashed in the trees and she proceeded to light my neck on fire. I would do it all over again, it was so much fun and I only had to shave parts of my neck instead of my entire head :) Enjoy!
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