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| Northwest Passage Trail - Fraser, CO |
I was grumpy and needed a bike ride myself. I thought about just riding him down there to make sure he got there safe, then going on my ride. Instead, I decided, "no, this is how he learns responsibility and independence. Let him go..." He was pretty surprised when I told him he could go by himself, but I had my neighbor down there looking for him upon arrival. I told him he would be fine alone, but feel better knowing he's got eyes on him once he arrives. I told him he needed to be home by 7:30.
I went for a ride, got home about 7pm and kept thinking maybe I should just bike down there and get him. "no... independence..." About 7:10, I get a random phone number call and I was joking it was Talon probably calling from a friend's phone for a sleepover. Instead, he says, "mom no one is here. I don't think music is tonight. They don't have chairs setup and I want you to come pick me up please." My stomach dropped. Holy shit, he rode all the way to Winter Park. It's 5 miles, but when I thought of him crossing the highway by himself, my stomach dropped.
I drove there and he ran to me and started crying. He said he was tired and thirsty, and when he asked his friend for some of his iced tea, his friend poured it on his head instead, and he asked someone for a phone to call his mom. He felt terrible, he was confused when I said "Fraser" because there is only one music in the park he could remember, and he forgot about the one by school, and he made a bad choice, and his friends were mean, and he wanted to please go home and take a shower because he was sticky. Please mom, I'm sorry. I asked how he got across the intersection at Wendy's. He said, "well, I did okay. I mean, I got honked at..." I wanted to throw up.
I held it together and the only other time this happened to me... well the 2nd other time, was when he got bit by a dog. I just had to respond (not react) as my mom tells me. I didn't react to the dog bite until he was asleep in the car, and had his little 18 month old face stitched up and bloody; I balled my eyes out. So current day (yesterday), I held it together until after dinner, after his shower, after he asked if he could please go to bed because he was tired... I took a shower and I cried. I felt so guilty. What if he had been hit by a car? Why didn't I just ride to music with him? Why didn't I confirm and double confirm that he knew exactly where he was going? So I cried, and I wanted to call my mom but she was on east coast time, and I didn't want to wake her.
Today, I called her and said, "Mom, I wanted to call you. I messed up, I'm a terrible mom." I told her the story after she insisted I call her at anytime at night when I need her. She said, "Bec. That story proves you're a wonderful mom. Yes, you both learned a valuable lesson, but he MADE IT. He got there safely, he asked someone to borrow their phone to call his mom, who's number he knows and has known since he was 2 years old. Honey, he wouldn't have made it if you weren't his mama."
I find it easy to give others grace. Why it is so damn hard to give myself grace? She was right. I am a good mom. I mess up, but my kid made it. I gave him independence, he learned, he struggled, and he is stronger for it. I won't be here forever to pick him up when he calls. I turned my day around today after calling her, and needing to hear that. Instead of apologizing to him today, I'm going to tell him I'm proud of him. I'm proud of him for going all 5 miles by himself, and not panicking when someone honked at him, for asking someone for a drink, for asking for a phone, and for making the right call. He did exactly what he was supposed to do and I'm proud. I'm a proud mom, and he should be proud too.
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| Mom and Talon, Chattanooga TN |
